5.21.2003

I've had, for a long time now, a theory that each human being can be characterized by two pollar points - their Deadly Sin and their Cardinal Virtue. Each of us has one of each that we personify, that we are most subject to and influenced by.
I know mine very well. My Sin is Anger, my Virtue is Faith.
Usually, I have faith that the universe is as it should be, that all is well, that things will be as they are for their own reasons, and on this faith I accept the world, and live in it as I must. But sometimes, when something truely painful happens, I am overwhelmed by Anger, filled with it, and it overrides that Faith which has preserved me where others have fallen into dispair.
It is usually in matters of my own self worth that this is the case.
My ego is both very inflated and highly fraggile. I know this to be far too true. I search constantly for complements, for praise, for validation that I am worth something, that I am better than I see myself as being. Yet when I am critizised, directly or indirectly, it confirms for me what I fear, what I wish to deny more than anything, and the Wrath overtakes me, directed outwards at those who have hurt me. And then inwards at myself for my own reactions.
I know of few others who fall prey to Anger as I do, and few who have such open Faith as I do. I am, perhaps, extremes on the scale of both of these. Most people are beset by Pride or Envy, and offset it with Kindness, or Zeal, or even Self Control.
We are all beasts of the flesh, both good and evil in our ways.

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