I stood with two options, two different voices speaking to me, both of which I trust, and knew I had to make the decision I did not want to have to ever make. On the one hand, my loyalty and dedication seemed to have been rewarded with nothing. Perhaps it was time, the voice said, that I should bow out gracefully, and allow the new guard to take over my watch. New bloods, new ideas, new enthusiasm, all were better in the long run than my continued presence in the position. And I, as a member of the old guard, stuck solid in my ways, would only get in the way. On the other, a voice told me I was needed, still respected, and still welcomed in this place I have loved so much for so long. That there was a place of importance for me, where I would be able to work for the organization I loved, and still hold the same amount of respect I had before, but without the obligations attached to the position.
So the question was simple. Do I cut myself away from everything, because I have been denied something I felt was mine, loosing all the people I know and love working with at the organization because I feel I have lost the respect I had in my position. Or, do I swallow my pride, deny the shame I feel inside, and stay with these people, with this organization, that I hold so dear, no matter that I may grow bitter and resentful of my loss?
So I've made my choice.
I need to grow as a person, I need to focus on a lesson I have yet to master. And so, I stay with the organization which has been my suffering and my joy for three years, though my reward for loyalty was to be put aside in favor of someone new. But I will stay, and I will work, and I will do what I can. And while it is maybe not the most Ideal choice, it will be the best to help me grow in a way I need to. I can only hope my own weaknesses do not get in my way.

But I have also decided that I am going to spend more time working on my own site. Strixus.net has become very stagnant, and deserves more content, and more life. I need to find a purpose for it, other than this blog, and make it live as it should.

[edited for explination - i didnt feel I was clear enough before on why I did what i did - maybe now people will understand.]