Yes, nothing from me for days... but I have been prepairing this essay talking about what all has been going on in my life recently.
Loyalty, Honnor, and Shame
Most people, who know me, at least from reputation, know me as a person who will stoop to nearly any measure to get done what needs to be done, no matter the cost or consequence. That also means I have the reputation of being underhanded, sneaky, deceitful, and treacherous, not to mention just a bit of a hot head. But what few people know about me is that I have a very strong sense of personal honor, something that often over rides common sense, priority, and active reason. It is this sense of person honor which has gotten me into most of the trouble in my life, and lead to the worst pains I have ever known. Thus, I attempt to suppress it, and focus on getting done what should and must be done.
Recent events, however, are making me take a long, hard look at this personal sense of honor, and what it really means to me. Because with this sense of honor is also my sense of loyalty. And right now, my loyalty is being tested, to an extreme, and I am in deep conflict as to how to resolve things. I am deeply loyal to only a few things – my lover, my friends, my self, and the student organization I helped to found. Usually, that is the order I would place my loyalties in, in terms of priority. And usually, this order of priority has helped me resolve conflicts between two or more of these loyalties fairly smoothly.
But now, I am faced with a problem I have never faced before. I find myself questioning my loyalty to that student organization, not because of the organization its self, but because of the treatment I have recently received from certain members of the organization. I have held a position of responsibility there for all but six months of my four years there, yet now, with little reason and even less warning, I have been dismissed from that position. And this dismissal was done with what I believe were more than professional motives behind it, though I have no proof of this.
First impulse was to give a general “Fuck you,” in the direction of the entire organization, and walk out, leaving them to fend for themselves and deal with the consequences of their actions. I have taken allot of stress, allot of pain, and sacrificed allot of the last four years of my life for that group of people, all for a lousy $200 a month and little other compensation. I’ve seen the organization through everything from a near legal suit to poor staff turn out, all the time attempting to be the pillar of solidarity for the organization. And the organization has survived, no matter who has tried to bring it down.
But what thanks have I gotten beyond the knowledge that this organization has survived? I’ve made many good friends, hand many good times, and hell, even had allot of fun. But has all of that been enough to balance out all the pain and heartbreak I’ve been through for the organization before? Before I was dismissed, I thought that it was. But now, that question is haunting my mind again.
What the question comes down to is simply this – was my dismissal my fault, or the fault of the person who dismissed me. My distinctly western mentality immediately places blame on others, while my eastern sensibilities tell me that regardless of who’s fault it was, the failure is mine, and must be atoned for. And as I usually find my eastern logic more equitable when dealing with people, as well as more soothing to my own soul, I must find a way to atone for my failure – that is, I must compensate for my dismissal in such a way as that I can regain the honor lost by it.
Of course, the answer is obvious. I can only atone for my own failure to the organization by continuing to stay and work for the organization, redoubling my efforts to improve and continue its existence. My continued presence may stick as a bone in some throats, but all the better, for it will show those who see me as a failure that I am above such things, and that my work is done from loyalty, not for pay or profit. In that way, I can regain the honor lost, and show that I remain loyal, no matter what is done to me.
Because that is the definition of loyalty, I think, working for that which you are loyal to, no matter if there is reward or not, and even if that reward is only pain and heartbreak. Loyalty is remaining steadfast for something you believe in, even if it means your own shame, failure, or suffering. And that is the lesson this has taught me. No matter how much hurt and pain you dedication is repaid with, if you truly believe in something, or someone, you will stay loyal to what you believe in.
Yet another lesson the universe has taught me, and one I will not soon forget.
Loyalty, Honnor, and Shame
Most people, who know me, at least from reputation, know me as a person who will stoop to nearly any measure to get done what needs to be done, no matter the cost or consequence. That also means I have the reputation of being underhanded, sneaky, deceitful, and treacherous, not to mention just a bit of a hot head. But what few people know about me is that I have a very strong sense of personal honor, something that often over rides common sense, priority, and active reason. It is this sense of person honor which has gotten me into most of the trouble in my life, and lead to the worst pains I have ever known. Thus, I attempt to suppress it, and focus on getting done what should and must be done.
Recent events, however, are making me take a long, hard look at this personal sense of honor, and what it really means to me. Because with this sense of honor is also my sense of loyalty. And right now, my loyalty is being tested, to an extreme, and I am in deep conflict as to how to resolve things. I am deeply loyal to only a few things – my lover, my friends, my self, and the student organization I helped to found. Usually, that is the order I would place my loyalties in, in terms of priority. And usually, this order of priority has helped me resolve conflicts between two or more of these loyalties fairly smoothly.
But now, I am faced with a problem I have never faced before. I find myself questioning my loyalty to that student organization, not because of the organization its self, but because of the treatment I have recently received from certain members of the organization. I have held a position of responsibility there for all but six months of my four years there, yet now, with little reason and even less warning, I have been dismissed from that position. And this dismissal was done with what I believe were more than professional motives behind it, though I have no proof of this.
First impulse was to give a general “Fuck you,” in the direction of the entire organization, and walk out, leaving them to fend for themselves and deal with the consequences of their actions. I have taken allot of stress, allot of pain, and sacrificed allot of the last four years of my life for that group of people, all for a lousy $200 a month and little other compensation. I’ve seen the organization through everything from a near legal suit to poor staff turn out, all the time attempting to be the pillar of solidarity for the organization. And the organization has survived, no matter who has tried to bring it down.
But what thanks have I gotten beyond the knowledge that this organization has survived? I’ve made many good friends, hand many good times, and hell, even had allot of fun. But has all of that been enough to balance out all the pain and heartbreak I’ve been through for the organization before? Before I was dismissed, I thought that it was. But now, that question is haunting my mind again.
What the question comes down to is simply this – was my dismissal my fault, or the fault of the person who dismissed me. My distinctly western mentality immediately places blame on others, while my eastern sensibilities tell me that regardless of who’s fault it was, the failure is mine, and must be atoned for. And as I usually find my eastern logic more equitable when dealing with people, as well as more soothing to my own soul, I must find a way to atone for my failure – that is, I must compensate for my dismissal in such a way as that I can regain the honor lost by it.
Of course, the answer is obvious. I can only atone for my own failure to the organization by continuing to stay and work for the organization, redoubling my efforts to improve and continue its existence. My continued presence may stick as a bone in some throats, but all the better, for it will show those who see me as a failure that I am above such things, and that my work is done from loyalty, not for pay or profit. In that way, I can regain the honor lost, and show that I remain loyal, no matter what is done to me.
Because that is the definition of loyalty, I think, working for that which you are loyal to, no matter if there is reward or not, and even if that reward is only pain and heartbreak. Loyalty is remaining steadfast for something you believe in, even if it means your own shame, failure, or suffering. And that is the lesson this has taught me. No matter how much hurt and pain you dedication is repaid with, if you truly believe in something, or someone, you will stay loyal to what you believe in.
Yet another lesson the universe has taught me, and one I will not soon forget.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home