Sleep.
I lay here, now it is 4:30 in the morning.
Yesterday I didnt get to sleep until 8am. I can't sleep.. i cant make myself sleep. I dont want to sleep.
Erik is asleep, has been since 12am. Yet I cannot go to sleep. Why?
My eyes are tired, yet i know if i log off and try to sleep, I will lay awake listening to the radio, or to The Saint, or something, because I do not want to sleep. Why can I not want to go to sleep.
I know I will be tired tomorrow... I was tired today.
Why then this? Why then am I awake?
Sleep is one of those things of the flesh I both love and hate. I love the rexlation it can give, the peace, the comfort. It claims us when no one else will have us, eases our worries, and returns us to the world renewed. Too, laying asleep with someone you love is one of the most bonding experiences. But sleep is also the time of nightmares, of the passage of time without awareness of it. It is too close to death for my liking. I am most aware of my own mortality when I face sleep, and I am more afraid of dying in my sleep than any other way. Because, I ask myself, if I die in my sleep... will i know?
It is a silly question. I know. But one that haunts me.
I did not used to fear death... but now I do. I do not want to leave those people who I love and care about without me. I do not want to cause that greif, that suffering, that loss. Havent I caused enough pain as it is?
I want to live forever... because I know the only boundary of Love is life, and even then, love continues. Souls find one another, again and again. And even we souls who had nothing and no one, will eventually be called to serve and love eventually. I know this is true.
[dream]
Someone is trying to steel my silverware. A knife, fork, and spoon. Not very nice, either, but the serving staff keeps trying to take them, and they are mine. So I keep them in a small yellow leather pouch on my wrist to keep them safe. Even that is not safe, for they still keep trying to take them. So I hide them in my pocket. They are safe there.
[/dream]
If anyone has any idea what the hell that dream meant, Id be really grateful.
I lay here, now it is 4:30 in the morning.
Yesterday I didnt get to sleep until 8am. I can't sleep.. i cant make myself sleep. I dont want to sleep.
Erik is asleep, has been since 12am. Yet I cannot go to sleep. Why?
My eyes are tired, yet i know if i log off and try to sleep, I will lay awake listening to the radio, or to The Saint, or something, because I do not want to sleep. Why can I not want to go to sleep.
I know I will be tired tomorrow... I was tired today.
Why then this? Why then am I awake?
Sleep is one of those things of the flesh I both love and hate. I love the rexlation it can give, the peace, the comfort. It claims us when no one else will have us, eases our worries, and returns us to the world renewed. Too, laying asleep with someone you love is one of the most bonding experiences. But sleep is also the time of nightmares, of the passage of time without awareness of it. It is too close to death for my liking. I am most aware of my own mortality when I face sleep, and I am more afraid of dying in my sleep than any other way. Because, I ask myself, if I die in my sleep... will i know?
It is a silly question. I know. But one that haunts me.
I did not used to fear death... but now I do. I do not want to leave those people who I love and care about without me. I do not want to cause that greif, that suffering, that loss. Havent I caused enough pain as it is?
I want to live forever... because I know the only boundary of Love is life, and even then, love continues. Souls find one another, again and again. And even we souls who had nothing and no one, will eventually be called to serve and love eventually. I know this is true.
[dream]
Someone is trying to steel my silverware. A knife, fork, and spoon. Not very nice, either, but the serving staff keeps trying to take them, and they are mine. So I keep them in a small yellow leather pouch on my wrist to keep them safe. Even that is not safe, for they still keep trying to take them. So I hide them in my pocket. They are safe there.
[/dream]
If anyone has any idea what the hell that dream meant, Id be really grateful.
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